I am so not gonna miss this year at all. Yeah, I had high expectations for the year. I looked back and read what I wrote and almost choked on my coffee. What was I thinking?
This year I had way too many hurdles to get over. And, for the first time in a while, I had to face down my own depression. I cried too much this year and realized I was trapped in my pity. For me, there is nothing harder in the world than overcoming my own doubts, fears and sadness. Doing it alone is tough. And yeah, I think I had to find that strength alone because no one can be with me 24/7.
I mentioned last year that I thought 2010 would be great. In a way, it was great but not in the sense that I thought it would be. See, I made it through an awful lot this year. A sick child. Sending another child off into the world. Another year without my love. Doubts with my writing and feeling lost.
And, I have made it through all these doubts and worries.
This year could be summed up with the story of the last care package I sent to my husband. I’ve sent him numerous cards inside care packages and even through regular mail, and never once has any of them gotten lost. This time I sent a card with money. (He often exchanges the American funds for whatever country he’s in. He does have some expenses. And yes, I know, I shouldn’t send cash.)
You can guess what happened. The box looked pretty beat up when it arrived to him and the only thing missing was the card with money. This morning in chat my husband tried to cheer me up with the following:
My love: Did you stop to think that maybe the box opened up and the card dropped out to be found by someone that was close to losing their job or short on money to provide a Christmas for their kids?
Me: No, it hadn’t occurred to me maybe because I was too pissed.
My love: I won’t lie, I was mad too. At first. Some things like that don't happen by chance. What are the odds of the package just losing the card and money over Christmas?
Me: I had thought of it as an odd circumstance.
My love: I want to believe that someone needed that money more than me. I’d like to think that maybe we gave someone a Christmas miracle. That is what I would like to believe.
Sigh. Some days my husband is a better person than me. HOPE. That should be my word for next year. My wish for all of you is that we never lose hope in 2011.
Have a good and safe New Year’s Eve!